Just a few of thoughts about the federal subpoenas that came down in Yonkers.
First, I just love how everybody in city government is reacting like this is a big surprise. They’re wide-eyed and incredulous. Nobody seems to have a clue as to what’s afoot. Yeah, right. This is Yonkers. Who are do they think they’re kidding?
Second, this has the potential of putting a serious crimp in at least three mayoral campaigns—that of incumbent Mayor Phil Amicone and those City Councilmembers Dennis Robertson and Sandy Annabi. Whatever this investigation is about, it’s on their watch.
Third, you just know that if the probe leads to anything concrete the losers in this will ultimately be the taxpayers, who will end footing any and all legal costs.

Maybe somebody out there can help me. I learned today that Arthur Doran, the Democrat from Yonkers, who recently resigned from the Yonkers City bench to run for mayor, was referred to in a DMX lyric.

DMX, you may recall, is the rap artist who hails from Yonkers and is always getting into trouble with the law for his, shall we say, creative driving techniques.

Anyway, I hear he put Doran in one of his songs and identifies him in it as “Patch-Eye.” Doran, indeed, wears a patch over one eye. I tired Googling the DMX song, but can’t find it. Anybody know it?

Let me know, ASAP, if you do.

Interesting reader reaction on that one.

So far, I’ve gotten 12 e-mails, of which 11 agreed with what I wrote. They all came from women. The negative response came from a man, a guy named Saul.
On the phone, about a dozen voicemails were left, and they were all similarly positive.

Anyway, here’s Saul’s e-mail in full, unedited.

“DEAR MR. REISMAN
I really believe that you miss the point of this controversy. It is not about latte drinking effete liberal rebellious minded teens or about stretching the limits of authority but rather about the ability to speak openly and freely about oneself in a healthy, honest and polite way. Your juvenile humor about the Kama Sutra was probably hilarious when you were a teen but to write like a misguided teen now is beneath your intelligence (I hope). Read the court decision in Tinker v. Des Moines on free speech, look at the arbitrary, capricious and non existent outmoded rules by administrators who would do well in the middle ages with their dictates about the human body and there you will find the crux of the issue. Vagina is part of the anatomy from where all us came from including you so get over it and grow up. Fortunately (in this case ) unfortunately you have a forum that allows you to write this tripe so enjoy your gig but write with intelligence and not like a troglodyte in the future.”

Great stuff! But I corrected Saul on one minor point. I said that none of us come FROM vaginas. We come OUT of vaginas. Bio 101 Saul, baby!

Most of the commercials for local businesses are beyond cheesey. But the one that cracks me up every time I see it features a Bill Clinton impersonator who serves as an oily pitchman for Yonkers Avenue Dodge.

It’s on all the cable channels. This guy is hilarious because he not only looks and sounds like Clinton, but is portraying the former president as a used car salesman. Just like Nixon! He starts out by saying he’s got a “great pickup” line. Get the double entrende? Pickup…like in trucks and babes.

I wonder if the the Chappaqua resident has seen it?

On Friday, I’ll be stopping by Bill O’Shaugnessy’s annual St. Patrick’s Day party at Dudley’s, the little waterfront pub down by the New Rochelle Marina off Pelham Road.

This is a great tradition, though there are no free drinks. O’Shaughnessy will broadcast the festivities from noon to 5 p.m. on the radio station he owns, WVOX, 1460 AM.

I got his invitation in the mail, which is always printed on green paper and has a list of mostly minor notables whose names are doctored with the Irish ‘O’ because, you know, on St. Patrick’s Day, everybody is Irish.

Hence, the guest list includes Andy O’Spano, Noam O’Bramson, Ruby O’Dee, Governor O’Pataki and so on. You get the idea. Most of these people won’t show up.
For the first time in eight years of writing my column, I cracked the list as Phil O’Reisman. Big deal.

Not too many words rhyme with vagina, but there’s one for you. I’m getting chest pains, and I’m thinking of demanding my money back from SUNY Albany.

Let me explain. You know all this contretemps over some John Jay High School girls who got into trouble for saying “vagina” at a school assembly. They got suspended for it and instantly became First Amendment heroes to some and to others a symbols of Vagina Power. And a powerful force it is, indeed.

Anyway here’s where the angina comes into play. My youngest son, who is a freshman at Albany, signed up for a course in feminism. No doubt his motives were dubious, but that’s another story. What gets my goat is that his teachers assigned the class a project. They were to make artistic collages of their vaginas, or in the case of my son and the scattering of males in the class, collages of what their vaginas would like…IF THEY HAD ONE.

Collages!! What is this, junior high school?

So my kid, who is a wise acre, loves this assignment. Cutting out photos from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, he makes this huge vagina, the center of which consists of a picture of Alfred E. Newman, the semi-retarded “What Me Worry Kid” of Mad Magazine fame.

This makes me suspect that my tuition investment is total waste of money. Collages in college. And of vaginas, no less.

For crying out loud. This country is going to hell.

I called Dr. Louis Roh, the famous autopsy surgeon for the county of Westchester and a fellow who is as skilled with the needle as he is with a saw.

Our brief discussion centered on the mystery of the tattooed torso of a woman that recently washed up on the shore of Harbor Island Park in Mamaroneck. Cops were trying to figure out the identity of the woman whose upper chest was adorned with a small tattoo of cherries.

Apropos of his investigation, I told Roh that my late father, a screenwriter, wrote a movie called “The Tattooed Stranger,” which came out in 1950. The film’s plot revolved around the discovery of a woman’s body in Central Park and a single clue—a tattoo.

“Wow,” Roh said. “My lord! That is something. Your’e father must’ve been a very smart guy.”
I replied, “Yes, he was.”
And Roh lauged, saying, “He didn’t give his brain to his son.”

Ouch…that crazy doc. That’s what I meant about the needle.

Can you remember that? Daylights Savings Time begins Sunday at 2 a.m. and it will extend to the first Sunday in November, but I’m guessing a lot of people won’t remember to move their clocks and watches ahead one hour. In fact, you can place odds on that. That’s what BetUS.com (which calls itself the “most innovative and successful sportbook on the Web”) has done, proving you can practically bet on anything.

Check this out:

Odds that you forgot to change your clock.
Yes: 5/7
No: 10/10

Over/Unders (O/Us) on how many people forget in The USA:
Over 170 Million: 10/12
Under 130 million: 10/12

Odds that you are late to work:
Yes: 1/2
No: 3/2

O/Us on number of Americans who show up late to work:
Over 50 Million: 10/12
Under 40 Million: 10/12

Odds that your kids miss the bus:
Yes: 2/1
No: 1/3

% of Us kids who miss their bus because of the time change:
Over 10%: 10/12
Under 10%: 10/12

Odds that you sleep through your alarm the following day:
Yes: 10/1
No: 1/30

Odds that you wake up before your alarm:
Yes: 2/1
No: 1/3

Odds that your alarm doesn’t go off:
Yes 50/1
No1/99

Odds that you change your clock behind instead of ahead:
Yes: 20/1
No: 1/40

Odds that you miss changing at least one clock in your house:
Yes: 50/1
No: 1/80

Odds that you decide not to change your tv/dvd/vcr clock out of frustration:
You don’t change them: 2/1
You change them: 1/3

Odds that your clocks automatically change:
Yes: 50/1
No: 1/80

O/Us on how many clocks you have that automatically change:
Over 1: 2/1
Under 1: 1/3

Odds that your clock/alarm break, runs out of batteries, falls off your nightstand, etc.:
Yes: 10/1
No: 1/20

Tomorrow my radio guest on “High Noon” will be Journal News reporter Liz Sadler, who will talk about the politics of Port Chester.
Catch the show at 12 noon on WVOX radio, 1460 AM, or go online and listen at www.wvox.com.

Whoa, we’re riding on a slippery slope.

Only a couple of weeks ago, the Westchester County Board of Legislators passed a resolution to ban the racist ‘N’ word from common parlance. It was purely symbolic, but the gesture was nevertheless criticized by some who thought it was political grandstanding hogwash, and perhaps even unintentionally racist in its own right.

Now we learn that John Jay High School has suspended three female students for saying the word “vagina” at a school assembly. The reasons for the disciplinary action are confounding, to say the least.

The girls apparently violated an agreement to say vagina, even though they were reading a selection of Eve Ensler’s “The Vagina Monologues.”
How could they possibly avoid the “V” word when it was in the very title of the play?

The other reason given by officials was that there were young children in the audience, who, we are to presume, would’ve suffered psychological damage from the effect of hearing the biologically correct term for an essential part of the female anatomy. Would they have preferred infantile slang, instead?

The girls got one day suspension for their crimes. Would they have been docked two days for throwing in “penis?”

The school district will regret this. This has late-night comedy written all over it.